Swimming Upstream

I picture myself in the middle of a fast & wide river, and I am desperately struggling to inch my way upstream, against the current. It would be so much easier to just stop fighting, let go, and be swept downstream. Except for that just a few seconds downstream from where I have slowly progressed to is an enormous, angry waterfall which - should I give in - will drop me to my death and  plunge my body beneath the churning surface. 

Letting go NOT an option. 

I have long since tumbled out of the "safety" of the raft that was carrying me quickly towards an unknown future. Along with the raft went my life vest & all of my belongings - everything that I thought was necessary for a successful & enjoyable trip. They were suddenly not so important as I weighed them against my very life. There is no one, at least that I can see from my place in the rapids, that is waiting on the bank of the river to toss me a lifeline and just pull me out of this dangerous position I'm in. At this point, slowly & determinedly moving towards safety is my only focus. 

The desperation for survival will triumph over the power of the negative forces around me. 

     *          *          *

August is going to mark the beginning of the next chapter in my life. Over the past few weeks I have been looking at all of the upcoming changes with anxiety that outweighed the pure anticipation I should instead be feeling. Change terrifies me, and I have stayed in destructive relationships & pursued pointless paths all because I was too worried about the "what if's" of forging a new trail. 

I have been incredibly blessed to have a very wise person come into my life in a very unexpected way, and when I shared my concerns with them, I realized that part of it was simply that I have been in my own head too much. While I have many great people surrounding me right now, I find it hard to speak on what is going on in my life right now ... And even harder still to find someone that understands. All it took was a few seemingly simple words of encouragement to remind me what my main focus should be right now. "Confusion is of the devil ... He wants you back right now ... Don't give him the satisfaction."

Those words are still ringing in my ears as I think about the small steps I have taken over the past 6 months. I have worked so hard to shed my life of the negative influences. Even though I am overwhelmed with where my life is going, I realized that my only other "option" is to go back - and that is NOT anything I had even consciously considered. 

It was also during this conversation that I was reminded that "doing the right thing is never easy." It's so easy to forget this - so easy to cut corners, be lazy, and just generally give up if something doesn't just work out perfectly your first try. I am a big believer in "if it's meant to be, it'll happen on its own" - and while I will probably always feel this way, it's important to remember that I can't just slide through life effortlessly and get the desired results handed to me on a silver platter at the finish line. Some things in life do take work - and a LOT of it.

And because I'm set on surviving this undercurrent that I ignored for so long, I'm going to continue taking one small step at a time towards safety. I might stub my toe a few times, or briefly lose my footing. I will undoubtedly be exhausted when I finally reach the calmness of the shallow bank. But there is NO other option. 

Facing Forward: No Looking Back

The night of December 1st, 2012, I sat on the gray, painted cement ledge in the solitary confinement holding cell in a ritzy little town that I've visited over the past four years with reckless consistency, never even once considering that they'd even have enough manpower for an undercover sting.  It was one of those sudden reminders that you can never get comfortable in The Game - and I certainly had been way to casual in my running about town. This marked my tenth arrest in a little over a year.  As I sat there, staring down at my black tights in those disgusting jail-issued plastic slippers, all I could think about was that I had told my babies that I would be back in time for lunch with them the following day.  And based on my experience with arrests in Vegas, the chances of that happening were looking pretty slim.  The longer I sat in that cell, the more I thought about how scared and confused my children would be if I simply just didn't show up - and really, how concerned my whole family would be if I didn't answer my phone and was MIA.  They all knew where I was and what I was doing, and I'm fairly certain it was one of my mother's nightly prayers that this situation - or one far worse - never happened while they were all sleeping peacefully.

It was somewhere during the 10 hours that I was held in solitary (without even going through the booking process, because they had not yet determined what to charge me with), I made a promise to myself - I was done.

From that day forward, I took a major change-of-course with my life.  It wasn't planned, and at times it's been difficult.  But I have not once been tempted to return to the business.  In fact the thought of spending time with another trick makes my stomach turn completely - and I question my ability to hold back homicidal rage would I ever find myself in a paying client's hotel room again.  It is a part of my life that I don't regret the time that I spent there, and the life lessons I learned, but it is a place where I don't ever want to return to.  And I'm willing to do what it takes to transition on into the next part of my life.

Disengaging from The Game has been a very real, and very intense process for me.  Because I am certain that I never want to fall back into that lifestyle, I have spent the last 7 months detoxing from everything - substances, routines, habits, relationships - everything.  It seemed at first that getting out of The Game would be easy - delete some ads, throw away the trap phone, and burn any lingerie that a client had laid a finger on.  And that part was easy - there are fifteen new hookers to fill my place on the review boards, and my persona was quickly a thing of the past.  The difficult part started with changing up my routines and way of thinking ... and figuring out what to do to support myself and my children.

Part of the reason I have written some "how to" books over the past few months was to mentally purge myself of this information.  I'd spent the last five years gathering all these skills that I was now finding have little to do with the rest of reality.  Putting it down on paper helped me see how much I'd learned, how much of a true pro-fessional I had become, and it gave me the opportunity to pass it on to any other young lady that was looking for experienced advice.  By sharing these things, I have been able, in my own way, to make room in my head for new growth.

My daily routines, as you can imagine, have changed immensely during this time as well.  It is quite an adjustment to go from waking up at noon and ordering room service, and spending every evening sipping martinis and hopping cabs to different high-end hotels in different cities ... to waking up in time every day to get children to school, and being responsible for managing a household without a nanny/housekeeper, thinking about maintaining a steady stream of income, and generally restructuring life plans from that point forward.  On top of that, I live in a small country town, and no one here appreciates my Alma bag and True Religion jeans, the "classy" bar here has to Google how to make a dirty martini every time I stop in, and the sushi place usually serves my miso cold.  I made the girl at my tanning salon cry, and I've been a pissy city-girl on more than one occasion to my neighbors with their constant mechanic work in my driveway.

This transition has not been easy, but it has been difficult in ways that I was not expecting.  For the last five years, I have cut off those who did not know or support my lifestyle, and I surrounded myself with people who supported and encouraged me to make my own decisions.  I also ended up, as a result, surrounded by a lot of people who delighted in encouraging me to make destructive decisions, and convince me to live more in the moment and to think less of my future, as it would be to their benefit to distract me from my goals.  I praise my lucky stars that while I did make some unwise decisions along the way, I was able to hear my own voice of reason, and stay focused on the road ahead.  There are a lot of things I would have done differently over the last five years, had I know that I was going to leave the business on December 1st, 2012.  I thought I had "more time", that I could get my act together "soon".

I have come out of The Game with a respect for those who are still in it, a greater understanding for the world around me in general, and a deep appreciation to those who have fought to love and support me through everything.  Over the last five years I have learned not only how to "swag em for all they've got", and how to "stay down", but I've also learned so much about what is truly important in life, and the amount of acceptance, effort and honesty real relationships require.

My plans for the next few years have been completely re-written at this point, and while I am sometimes frustrated at having to start over AGAIN, I know that I am making the best decision for myself and my children.  As I look at the big picture that is slowly starting to take shape once again, I see that I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I know that my ability to survive through the hardest, most trying situations will once again bring me through this transition.  And because of this, I will always have respect for The Game, and those who play it properly.