A Year In Review

Exactly one year ago, I decided to walk away from everything I had known.  Even after all the crazy experiences I’ve had, this was the scariest thing I’ve done because life after The Game has no rules.  For every major event I’ve experienced in my life, there was some step that I knew I needed to do in order to get my life back on track – when I was arrested I hired a lawyer, when I was in a car accident I filed a report with my insurance company, when I was had e-coli I went to the hospital.  There was always someone there with more knowledge and experience that was used to dealing with whatever situation I was going through, someone that knew what to do next.  They could guide me through the process.  The Game itself has its own set of rules that I followed diligently because it promised me that if I followed the rules, everything would work out in my favor.  So when I left The Game, there was no one there to show me the way.  There were no longer rules to let me know where the expectations were for me.  There was no retainer fee to put down, no form to fill out, and no office I could walk into and receive treatment.  There was nothing.

The Game was not just a career choice for me; it took over my every move, my every thought.  I looked at situations and interactions with people completely different than I had before.  My daily routines were affected by it, the people I welcomed into my home changed because of it.  My priorities were different as a result of it.  The Game is a lifestyle and I was committed to it, for better or for worse.  And this is why people who have never lived it do not understand why I couldn’t just simply put in my two weeks, pack up my desk, and start working somewhere else.  Getting out of The Game is not just a career change that I could make overnight – I couldn’t just up and walk away from the only lifestyle I had known for a very long time.  With the hustle permeating every area of my life and thoughts, it wasn’t something I could just switch up.  Through all the situations I’ve survived and places I’ve visited and people I’ve met, The Game had been the one consistent thing in my life.  So to suddenly remove this was like ripping the skeleton from the body of my life – I had no structure, no general idea of how things should look anymore.

When I first left, I spent about six full months detoxing from life.  I became increasingly aware of all the toxic substances I had let into my life – not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.  Looking back on this time, I am so thankful I was able to afford this period in which I could “do nothing” because I think I would have struggled a lot more to walk away completely.  Being thrust from the rules of The Game into normal society would have shocked me so deeply I would have run immediately back to what was most familiar.  This transition period was crucial in breaking my physical and mental habits and moving towards focusing on a more positive future.

The second half of this last year, I started meeting positive people and building a support system, developing healthy habits and training my thoughts to go in a new direction, .  Despite how resilient I know I am because of all the things I’ve been through previous to leaving The Game, every interaction was like a complete shock to my system.  I couldn’t process information without reading it through my Game lenses first, I interpreted interactions incorrectly constantly, and I started experiencing flashbacks.  Every day I felt overwhelmed and over-stimulated by seemingly simple tasks and activities – it was a constant battle just to make it through the day without losing my grip on reality.  This was so frustrating to me because I know how strong I can be, I know how independent I am, and I know I can survive just about anything.  So accepting that there was something out of my control, something that I couldn’t "just get over” was a difficult step.  But it is always darkest before the dawn.

Being treated for symptoms stemming from long-term PTSD has been a very emotional and exhausting process, and I am nowhere near “healed.”  But it has helped me to grow and heal immensely already in a relatively short amount of time.  I do not spend hours of my every day reliving graphic memories.  I am here, in the present, to enjoy my friends and family.  My emotions do not swing from one extreme to the other as often, and I know how to deal with situations that trigger negative emotions or bad memories.  For the first time since I can remember, I have gotten a full night’s sleep and woken up feeling rested.  And I am starting to be able to see that I do in fact have a future, and that it’s going to be great because I hold the power to make it that way.

I have slowly started to fill in the framework that disappeared when I left The Game a year ago.  It has not been easy – it is very frustrating to have to re-teach yourself coping skills that were at one point just natural instinct but were overridden with chaos and then forgotten.  There are days that I am so tempted to just give up and go back – I already know what to expect from The Game, it seems like it would be so much easier to stick with what is familiar.  I am challenged to retrain my way of thinking and processing information.  I have to take a close look at the list of lies I know The Game had blinded me with, and I have to compare these to the truths that I am living every day now.  And that is why, after a year away from The Game, I still know that I made the right decision for me.  I remind myself that life is a process, not an event, and I am truly in the process of becoming great.

The Truth About The Trafficking Victims Protection Act

Earlier this year I took my children – who are 6 and 9 - on a Disney Cruise, something they had wanted to do for several years.  The overall experience was great, but the best part for me was being able to give my children these experiences and memories.

Big events like swimming with dolphins and meeting all of the Disney princesses are things I’m positive my children will always remember.  I also know that they will remember other things about their childhood as well.  They will remember eating dinner with our family every Sunday afternoon.  They will remember me struggling to help with fourth grade math homework, and they will remember being comforted when they were hurt or sick.  They will also remember me limiting my son’s YouTube video watching, and not letting my daughter wander the neighborhood.  While these last few memories will not necessarily be pleasant ones, they will someday understand just how serious the dangers are out there, and know that I set these boundaries to make sure the good memories outweigh the bad.

Children should feel safe.  Not only in their own home, but within their communities, and online as well.  They should be free to enjoy this innocent time in their life, and to learn and grow naturally.  When I first started the research for this topic, I was upset to learn that the FBI Innocence Lost Initiative reported that the average age of entry into prostitution is between the ages of 11 and 14, and I was sickened to discover that the youngest human trafficking victim to date within the US was just 6 years old, the same age as my daughter.  At this point, there are an unknown number childhoods filled with events that would rather be forgotten than remembered.  As Hilary Clinton stated back in 2007, “it takes a village to raise a child” – and this statement is true, not only when it comes to educating our children, but when it comes to protecting them as well.  No matter whom we are within our community – whether we are a parent, a teacher, a friend, or an employee – being aware of predators who may try to take advantage of our precious children is the first step to combating the damages caused by human trafficking.

Children cannot feel safe when there are traffickers out there, ready to prey on them.  The term human trafficking may bring to mind a whole host of images, such as smuggling a child across international borders.  Human trafficking is taking place in subtle ways, all across our country.  Human trafficking can, and often does, include some form of physical force, but it can also involve manipulation and false promises.  A minor can end up convinced that their exploitation is not exploitation at all, but rather a distorted version of love and acceptance.  While studies from the National Academies of Science suggests there may be as few as 1400 trafficked minors in the US today, we can all agree that the buying and selling of even one child is too many.  The children who are at the highest risk are those who are runaways, or are part of the foster care system.  In a nationwide bust this summer called Operation Cross Country, the FBI reported that 60% of the children rescued had already been in the child welfare system.  These children have already been damaged physically or emotionally in some way, and are easy prey for someone looking to exploit these basic needs.  Research suggests that within 48 hours of running away, about one-third of children on the streets are approached by a pimp.  For a child that is alone in this world – scared, hungry, and needing a warm place to stay for the night, the glowing promises made by a pimp may be all it takes to convince them they have found a safe home. 

Children cannot feel safe if laws do not protect them.  The White-Slavery Act is better known as the Mann Act, and was created in 1910.  Several notable cases during the last century were successfully prosecuted under the Mann Act, including preacher and pedophile Brian David Mitchell, who is known for his 2002 abduction of Elizabeth Smart.  Unfortunately, due to the overly-broad laws, the effective prosecutions like this one are outnumbered by the arrests fueled by the racial and moral tension of the early 1900’s.  The most notable issue with the Mann Act in regards to the prostitution of minors is that the age of consent for prostitution was 15, and all prostitutes during this era were automatically assumed to be willing criminals.   

Children cannot feel safe if the laws we pass now still do not protect them.  In 2000, passed Trafficking Victims Protection Act was passed.  The public has jumped eagerly at this initiative as images of extreme abuse and stories of unthinkable manipulation were portrayed in the name of punishing predators that violate the innocence of children.  The TVPA certainly offers more specific protection for exploited minors than the Mann Act did; it provides strengthened sentences for those convicted of trafficking a minor, and changed the age of consent for the commercial sex industry from 15 to 18, Now, any minor is determined to be a victim. 

Unfortunately, the Department of Justice reported that in the first eight years, only about 2000 victims were rescued.  And only a portion of those victims were children.  While it is imperative to remember that even one child victim is too many, the cost associated with the rescuing of these victims has been called into question.  During those 8 years, about $1.5 billion was allocated for the Trafficking Victims Protection Act.  To put this into perspective, according to national statistics, children who are in the foster care system cost about $12,000 per child.  However it has cost about $750,000 to rescue each trafficking victim, and most of these funds do not even go to the actual care and rehabilitation of the person themselves.  Considering the foster care system is where many sex trafficked minors come from in the first place, it would make much more sense to focus these funds on prevention strategies.

If our main concern is to rescue the child victims and help them heal from the trauma they have experienced, it seems from the research, and the daily news that a majority of time, effort, and funding in the TVPA is being spent on finding and prosecuting the perpetrators rather than providing resources for the victims, or potential victims.  There are hardly ever articles about rehabilitation efforts, transitional housing, job placement or educational programs for victims.

The State Department claims that at the most, only 1% of the estimated victims had been identified during the first ten years of the Trafficking Act.  This means that either their original numbers were grossly over-estimated, or the methods we are using to find victims are not effective.  “R.S” is a JD/MBA graduate with a successful legitimate business in addition to his experience as a pimp for the last seven years.  In a brief interview he explained, “For a law that was meant to protect minors, it reaches a lot more entities other than minors, which is where the legislation is flawed.  I think if they took the time to … identify who they are after … the law may be more effective.”  With the popularity of online prostitution, minors potentially end up going undetected, and a large number of consenting adults involved end up affected by the increased attention.  With protecting the innocence of minors being at the forefront of the Trafficking Victims Protection Act, it is discouraging to face the fact that these laws are simply not bringing out the desired results. 

There are still doubts about if our children will be safe.  Part of the TVPA’s goal is to clarify that all children involved in the sex trade are victims, and should not be treated as criminals.  Operation Cross Country, the nationwide bust this summer, was carried out in 77 cities across the country, and the FBI rescued 105 children. However, a majority of the children rescued ended up being placed either in jail facilities or with foster families.  Placing these children right back into the system that let them down in the first place does nothing but start this cycle over again. 

Harsher laws for pimps means putting sexually trafficked minors at further risk for physical violence and psychological abuse.  By making trafficking a serious felony, predators will not stop, they will simply retreat into darker corners, pulling their victims with them.  We must remember that we are dealing with fragile, precious lives who have already been churned through government systems and have yet to receive the genuine love and nurturing they so desperately need in order to live fulfilling, productive lives.  A majority of these children have already experienced all that the legal system and government institutions have to offer them.  There is no doubt that those who prey on the young and weak are predators that deserve punishment to the full extent of the law, but we have to keep in mind who is really at the heart of this matter.  

Swimming Upstream

I picture myself in the middle of a fast & wide river, and I am desperately struggling to inch my way upstream, against the current. It would be so much easier to just stop fighting, let go, and be swept downstream. Except for that just a few seconds downstream from where I have slowly progressed to is an enormous, angry waterfall which - should I give in - will drop me to my death and  plunge my body beneath the churning surface. 

Letting go NOT an option. 

I have long since tumbled out of the "safety" of the raft that was carrying me quickly towards an unknown future. Along with the raft went my life vest & all of my belongings - everything that I thought was necessary for a successful & enjoyable trip. They were suddenly not so important as I weighed them against my very life. There is no one, at least that I can see from my place in the rapids, that is waiting on the bank of the river to toss me a lifeline and just pull me out of this dangerous position I'm in. At this point, slowly & determinedly moving towards safety is my only focus. 

The desperation for survival will triumph over the power of the negative forces around me. 

     *          *          *

August is going to mark the beginning of the next chapter in my life. Over the past few weeks I have been looking at all of the upcoming changes with anxiety that outweighed the pure anticipation I should instead be feeling. Change terrifies me, and I have stayed in destructive relationships & pursued pointless paths all because I was too worried about the "what if's" of forging a new trail. 

I have been incredibly blessed to have a very wise person come into my life in a very unexpected way, and when I shared my concerns with them, I realized that part of it was simply that I have been in my own head too much. While I have many great people surrounding me right now, I find it hard to speak on what is going on in my life right now ... And even harder still to find someone that understands. All it took was a few seemingly simple words of encouragement to remind me what my main focus should be right now. "Confusion is of the devil ... He wants you back right now ... Don't give him the satisfaction."

Those words are still ringing in my ears as I think about the small steps I have taken over the past 6 months. I have worked so hard to shed my life of the negative influences. Even though I am overwhelmed with where my life is going, I realized that my only other "option" is to go back - and that is NOT anything I had even consciously considered. 

It was also during this conversation that I was reminded that "doing the right thing is never easy." It's so easy to forget this - so easy to cut corners, be lazy, and just generally give up if something doesn't just work out perfectly your first try. I am a big believer in "if it's meant to be, it'll happen on its own" - and while I will probably always feel this way, it's important to remember that I can't just slide through life effortlessly and get the desired results handed to me on a silver platter at the finish line. Some things in life do take work - and a LOT of it.

And because I'm set on surviving this undercurrent that I ignored for so long, I'm going to continue taking one small step at a time towards safety. I might stub my toe a few times, or briefly lose my footing. I will undoubtedly be exhausted when I finally reach the calmness of the shallow bank. But there is NO other option. 

Facing Forward: No Looking Back

The night of December 1st, 2012, I sat on the gray, painted cement ledge in the solitary confinement holding cell in a ritzy little town that I've visited over the past four years with reckless consistency, never even once considering that they'd even have enough manpower for an undercover sting.  It was one of those sudden reminders that you can never get comfortable in The Game - and I certainly had been way to casual in my running about town. This marked my tenth arrest in a little over a year.  As I sat there, staring down at my black tights in those disgusting jail-issued plastic slippers, all I could think about was that I had told my babies that I would be back in time for lunch with them the following day.  And based on my experience with arrests in Vegas, the chances of that happening were looking pretty slim.  The longer I sat in that cell, the more I thought about how scared and confused my children would be if I simply just didn't show up - and really, how concerned my whole family would be if I didn't answer my phone and was MIA.  They all knew where I was and what I was doing, and I'm fairly certain it was one of my mother's nightly prayers that this situation - or one far worse - never happened while they were all sleeping peacefully.

It was somewhere during the 10 hours that I was held in solitary (without even going through the booking process, because they had not yet determined what to charge me with), I made a promise to myself - I was done.

From that day forward, I took a major change-of-course with my life.  It wasn't planned, and at times it's been difficult.  But I have not once been tempted to return to the business.  In fact the thought of spending time with another trick makes my stomach turn completely - and I question my ability to hold back homicidal rage would I ever find myself in a paying client's hotel room again.  It is a part of my life that I don't regret the time that I spent there, and the life lessons I learned, but it is a place where I don't ever want to return to.  And I'm willing to do what it takes to transition on into the next part of my life.

Disengaging from The Game has been a very real, and very intense process for me.  Because I am certain that I never want to fall back into that lifestyle, I have spent the last 7 months detoxing from everything - substances, routines, habits, relationships - everything.  It seemed at first that getting out of The Game would be easy - delete some ads, throw away the trap phone, and burn any lingerie that a client had laid a finger on.  And that part was easy - there are fifteen new hookers to fill my place on the review boards, and my persona was quickly a thing of the past.  The difficult part started with changing up my routines and way of thinking ... and figuring out what to do to support myself and my children.

Part of the reason I have written some "how to" books over the past few months was to mentally purge myself of this information.  I'd spent the last five years gathering all these skills that I was now finding have little to do with the rest of reality.  Putting it down on paper helped me see how much I'd learned, how much of a true pro-fessional I had become, and it gave me the opportunity to pass it on to any other young lady that was looking for experienced advice.  By sharing these things, I have been able, in my own way, to make room in my head for new growth.

My daily routines, as you can imagine, have changed immensely during this time as well.  It is quite an adjustment to go from waking up at noon and ordering room service, and spending every evening sipping martinis and hopping cabs to different high-end hotels in different cities ... to waking up in time every day to get children to school, and being responsible for managing a household without a nanny/housekeeper, thinking about maintaining a steady stream of income, and generally restructuring life plans from that point forward.  On top of that, I live in a small country town, and no one here appreciates my Alma bag and True Religion jeans, the "classy" bar here has to Google how to make a dirty martini every time I stop in, and the sushi place usually serves my miso cold.  I made the girl at my tanning salon cry, and I've been a pissy city-girl on more than one occasion to my neighbors with their constant mechanic work in my driveway.

This transition has not been easy, but it has been difficult in ways that I was not expecting.  For the last five years, I have cut off those who did not know or support my lifestyle, and I surrounded myself with people who supported and encouraged me to make my own decisions.  I also ended up, as a result, surrounded by a lot of people who delighted in encouraging me to make destructive decisions, and convince me to live more in the moment and to think less of my future, as it would be to their benefit to distract me from my goals.  I praise my lucky stars that while I did make some unwise decisions along the way, I was able to hear my own voice of reason, and stay focused on the road ahead.  There are a lot of things I would have done differently over the last five years, had I know that I was going to leave the business on December 1st, 2012.  I thought I had "more time", that I could get my act together "soon".

I have come out of The Game with a respect for those who are still in it, a greater understanding for the world around me in general, and a deep appreciation to those who have fought to love and support me through everything.  Over the last five years I have learned not only how to "swag em for all they've got", and how to "stay down", but I've also learned so much about what is truly important in life, and the amount of acceptance, effort and honesty real relationships require.

My plans for the next few years have been completely re-written at this point, and while I am sometimes frustrated at having to start over AGAIN, I know that I am making the best decision for myself and my children.  As I look at the big picture that is slowly starting to take shape once again, I see that I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I know that my ability to survive through the hardest, most trying situations will once again bring me through this transition.  And because of this, I will always have respect for The Game, and those who play it properly.