Letting go NOT an option.
I have long since tumbled out of the "safety" of the raft that was carrying me quickly towards an unknown future. Along with the raft went my life vest & all of my belongings - everything that I thought was necessary for a successful & enjoyable trip. They were suddenly not so important as I weighed them against my very life. There is no one, at least that I can see from my place in the rapids, that is waiting on the bank of the river to toss me a lifeline and just pull me out of this dangerous position I'm in. At this point, slowly & determinedly moving towards safety is my only focus.
The desperation for survival will triumph over the power of the negative forces around me.
* * *
August is going to mark the beginning of the next chapter in my life. Over the past few weeks I have been looking at all of the upcoming changes with anxiety that outweighed the pure anticipation I should instead be feeling. Change terrifies me, and I have stayed in destructive relationships & pursued pointless paths all because I was too worried about the "what if's" of forging a new trail.
I have been incredibly blessed to have a very wise person come into my life in a very unexpected way, and when I shared my concerns with them, I realized that part of it was simply that I have been in my own head too much. While I have many great people surrounding me right now, I find it hard to speak on what is going on in my life right now ... And even harder still to find someone that understands. All it took was a few seemingly simple words of encouragement to remind me what my main focus should be right now. "Confusion is of the devil ... He wants you back right now ... Don't give him the satisfaction."
Those words are still ringing in my ears as I think about the small steps I have taken over the past 6 months. I have worked so hard to shed my life of the negative influences. Even though I am overwhelmed with where my life is going, I realized that my only other "option" is to go back - and that is NOT anything I had even consciously considered.
It was also during this conversation that I was reminded that "doing the right thing is never easy." It's so easy to forget this - so easy to cut corners, be lazy, and just generally give up if something doesn't just work out perfectly your first try. I am a big believer in "if it's meant to be, it'll happen on its own" - and while I will probably always feel this way, it's important to remember that I can't just slide through life effortlessly and get the desired results handed to me on a silver platter at the finish line. Some things in life do take work - and a LOT of it.
And because I'm set on surviving this undercurrent that I ignored for so long, I'm going to continue taking one small step at a time towards safety. I might stub my toe a few times, or briefly lose my footing. I will undoubtedly be exhausted when I finally reach the calmness of the shallow bank. But there is NO other option.